26 August 2005 Washington D.C. -  At the Pentagon during the, I assume daily press conference, Air Force General Richard Myers, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the highest ranking person in all the military, the big dog, The top of the food chain as far as military uniforms go, admits to stomping through Victory gardens as a small child after World War II. Even though he was scolded from his parents when he did so, he still showed a rare side of a military leader by disgracing the country and master gardeners throughout at a young age.

"I don't know if I want to plant a victory garden if this 'war' ever ends now", says Sara Vaughn of Altamonte Springs, Florida. "I have never heard of a garden like that, and I don't think I would ever live to plant one if there was ever such a victory, but if I thought that future generals would be stomping though it, I believe I will restrain."

Air Force members and senior officials refuse to comment on the statement made by the chairman.

Peter Robichaux of Chapel Hill, N.C. comments that if he were to ever plant a garden, he feels it would be taken over by weeds, however, that might be a more appropriate garden for this war after all. He also commented that I should stop calling him at work for such silliness.

Non-English People Protest Fast Food Giant McDonalds

Somewhere Else, World - Protesters gather out side McDonalds at some point in the not too distant past were protesting in another country not too long ago. Sources in the Heel Lines department have yet to find out what country this is in, or why they are protesting. Preliminary reports say, that it is because they are not, "lovin' it".

Santa brings Jesus back to Christmas

2005 August North Pole, AK - Here in the North Pole, Santa has a slow summer. Normally taking his time off flying south to Hawaii this year he has taken to the streets in hopes to bring a little something back to Christmas, that some say, has been lost for some time. A few years back, Santa Claus House, Santa's home, and a major tourist trap in North Pole began selling the baby Jesus manger with Santa by his side. Most people laughed at the idea of putting Santa at the scene of Christ's birth. This didn't quite bring the "Reason for the Season" back into picture, so Santa is taking one step further. Last month Santa became a priest in hopes of bringing back the Christmas sprit.

"I hope to bring new life to Christmas this year," Santa Claus remarks while working the streets in North Pole, Alaska " and I'm trying to keep busy through the summer, gas prices are outrages and I need to power that suburban the wife drives around, she complains that she can't ever get good parking with the sleigh."

Mixed reviews come from the public as Santa makes his entrance into the clergy. "I think it is great" remarks Billy Stephamitus, a 7 year old from Fairbanks, "Now I get to see Santa every Sunday." Others are concerned that he won't be taken seriously. "It is Santa Claus, how do I know this just isn't some guy in a Santa suit, I'm seriously thinking about checking out the Episcopal church in town."

Santa remarks that he hopes to become a cardinal soon so that he could be in the running for the papacy next go round. "I think that would really bring Christmas back where it came from. I'm the head of Christmas, pair that with the head of the Church, the possibilities seem endless."